Gearing up

I have so very many hopes and dreams and goals for the new year, and the rest of my life. I have always been a dreamer, but I lack greatly in the follow through. I am determined to change that.

I realized that I have so many scattered and major goals this year, that I really need to focus on one at a time, giving it 110%, and mastering it before taking on another.

I wrote down everything I want to accomplish, and prioritized them. Of my list of 4, the most important was, hands down, getting my 5 year old son, Henry, healthy and eliminating his severe symptoms of both ADHD and ODD.

Henry is a brilliant child. He is full of encyclopedic knowledge and he has a great sense of humor. But he is out of control, and he has been almost as long as I can remember.

When he was a young toddler, less than two, he would hit, bite, scream uncontrollably (always in public), spit in my face... you name it. It was an every day thing. At the time, I just chalked it up to his age and disposition, but as the years passed he has only grown more and more out of control.

The physical violence toward me has nearly stopped, but now at age 5 (he will be 5 this month) he tells me he hates me more than 20 times a day. He yells, screams, and throws tantrums that I do not think are normal for a child his age.

He told me yesterday that he wishes I would get a gun and shoot myself and die.

Now, before I get ahead of myself, let me say that I am your typical "AP" mom. (Not knocking anyone who isn't, just explaining what I do.) I breastfed him until he weaned at age 3. I wore him constantly, hoping to develop both a strong mother-child bond and a secure, confident kid. I am on board with the theory of gentle discipline (though no discipline works for him). I never let him CIO, I never put him in day care. I chose not to vaccinate at all for fear of the chemicals and byproducts destroying his immune system and neurological development.

I am not the world's greatest mother, but I try. I consciously parent. I try to limit tv and unhealthy foods. I read to him for an hour a day, or try to when he lets me (more on that later). I have, obviously, made mistakes as a parent, but when people see my child and the way he behaves I am sure they assume I am a detached parent that doesn't even try. This is not the case, no matter how it looks.

In addition to the terrible things he says to me, that he hates me and calling me stupid every other sentence, Henry has no impulse control. He is easily distractable. He loves for me to read to him, but over the past couple of months it has gotten to the point that I don't want to even try because he sings or hums loudly where it drowns out the words I am reading, he interrupts to tell me "that is stupid" or argue with me about the facts in the book.

Instead of ending our reading sessions feeling calm and good about our time together, he typically goes to his room to pout about being in trouble and I go outside to try and calm down and clear my head.

We have pretty much stopped leaving the house. Play groups are out, as are parks and play grounds, because Henry does not play well with others. 9 times out of 10 we leave 5 minutes into our visit because he has hurt another child. He isn't violent with me anymore, but his violence toward other kids is shocking. He pulls on their clothes, pushes and shoves and screams right into their faces. He gets angry because they won't do exactly what he tells them to.

So, we stay home, and drive each other crazy. I wait until my husband's day off to go grocery shopping and run errands because he is too big to ride in the cart and he runs laps around the store, running into other people and knocking over displays. I have tried bribing, threatening, yelling, leaving immediately, and nothing sticks with him. He does the exact same thing each time I try it.

I now have a 4 month old daughter as well, and having her has really kicked me into gear to make some radical changes to improve his behavior. I feel like I have to do something drastic now, or it will be too late.

I have spent the past month reading books, searching out other mothers of children with similar behavior issues and googling until my fingers are numb and I finally bit the bullet last night and ordered the Feingold Program. It was $87.50, and it was painful to spend that money, but I have high hopes that it will work for us. I paid the extra $5 for priority shipping, and I am going to be on pins and needles until it arrives.

I am going to give this my all, and follow it to the letter, even though that means no more break. Henry goes and spends a weekend with my parents every so often, so I can get a break and catch up on housework, errands, etc. But, my father made it clear to me over the holiday that he was not on board with any dietary changes I wanted to make and he would not adhere to the program when Henry is there. So, Henry isn't going to be going back for a long time.

My next step, and last resort, is medication, and I really, really do not want to medicate him.